Jan 05 2011
Fearful Panic Attack
I had a strange experience this morning. I was in the bathroom washing my face when the thought that I might actually fall in love someday struck me…and not in a good way. I suddenly felt afraid. Not just afraid, more like terrified. What if I do really meet someone and fall in love? My past came back to haunt me. What if I make the wrong decision? What if he changes? What if I get hurt again? This was such a foreign moment for me. I am a “jump right in” kind of girl. I am always willing to make an absolute fool of myself for love. Isn’t love what I want? YES! So why the sudden panic attack? I can’t tell you why it happened but I can tell you it lasted long enough for me to stop what I was doing and get down on my knees. As I sat there on the floor of my bathroom silently wondering about my future and the damage I didn’t even know my past had done, a voice in my head shouted, “Don’t give in to it! Just because you had one bad experience doesn’t mean the rest of your life is doomed to be more of the same. What you really want is worthy of your attention.” All I could think of was the dirty, bird lady in Home Alone II who stopped living her life because of a broken heart (I am so embarrassed to have used that movie as a reference, but it really did pop into my head). So, in an attempt to not become a crazy cat lady, I will keep my heart wide open. But I ask you to treat it kindly. I am a strong lady on the outside, but I am equally fragile.
