Signed,
Mother of All boys

Tithing

Some people say, “I can’t afford to pay tithing.” Those who place their faith in the Lord’s promises say, “I can’t afford not to pay tithing.” (Oaks)
-Heber J. Grant

I can attest to the fact that paying tithing brings blessings. When I had just graduated High School I had a job at a floral shop. I made about fifty bucks a week, if I was lucky. I had to drive across the valley into the next city to go to my college classes three times a week, and I was dating a guy in the next city over. We took turns commuting back and forth to see each other, but I still drove a ridiculous amount of miles each week. I always paid tithing on the meager fifty dollars I made, and was amazed that I could manage all that driving on one tank of gas when everyone else, doing similar driving, had to fill up a few times a week. I knew it was because I paid my tithing. Tithing has always come easy for me because I learned at a young age the blessings and protection we receive from paying it.
“During the Great Depression, President Heber J. Grant (would) remind the saints that payment of tithing would open the windows of heaven for blessings needed by the faithful. In that stressful period, some of our bishops observed that members who paid their tithing were able to support their families more effectively than those who did not. The tithe payers tended to keep their employment, enjoy good health, and be free from the most devastating effects of economic and spiritual depression. Countless tithe-paying Latter Day Saints can testify to similar blessings today.” (Oaks)
Tithing has blessed my life in more ways than I can count. Recently I had to take my youngest son to the doctor’s office to run some tests. I knew there would be an additional cost because my insurance didn’t cover these tests. I was wondering how I was going to pay for everything. When my Estimation of Benefits arrived in the mail, they showed all the costs of my son’s tests as paid for. I knew it was a blessing from paying my tithing. There have been countless other times I’ve needed to pay bills and I cannot explain how I am able to pay them all. On paper, it doesn’t make any sense, but it works.

If we will pay our honest tithing to God, He will bless us and prosper us and increase our faith, and I believe the Lord has a lot of things to do that he can only do through people who have faith to pay their honest tithing.” (Hales)
-Elder George Q. Morris

Some years (most years) my parents have paid more in tithing than I’ve made in an entire year of employment. That has sometimes been hard to swallow, but I’m so grateful to them for their example of always being full tithe payers. Paying my tithing came easily to me because that was what I saw my parents do. Because of their faithfulness they have always been guided in the right direction and blessed. Heavenly Father has promised to pour blessings out upon his faithful tithe payers. I know within my heart that is true.

Prayer

“I always have very tender feelings about prayers and the power and blessings of prayer. In my lifetime I have received more blessings than I can ever adequately give thanks for. The Lord has been so good to me. I have had so many experiences in sickness and in health that leave me with no shadow of doubt in my heart and mind that there is a God in heaven, that he is our father, and that he hears and answers our prayers.” (Kimball)
-President Spencer W. Kimball

I can tell you, with all the conviction I possess, that I would be nowhere without prayer. I was given strength to handle circumstances I never thought I’d have to face. I found that if I hit my knees as I rolled out of bed, I was able to find comfort throughout my trials. On April 2nd, 2010 I wrote in my journal, “It’s amazing to me that, given the circumstances in my life, I can feel peaceful.” That peace was, and is, due to prayer.

“If willing to pray, every living person may be sustained by the Lord through whatever tragedy or problem might come upon him or her. This sustaining help results from our dependence upon the Lord-which is really our faith in Him, our knowledge of Him, and our testimony.” (Wirthlin)
-Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

From my blog
Prayer – March 18th, 2010
I think I’ve prayed more in the last six months than I have my entire life. In fact…I’m constantly praying. I pray when I get up, when I run, before I eat, before I send my children out the door, while I’m driving, in the bath, before going to bed. I find it helps me stay in a positive frame of mind. There’s a lot to be grateful for when you’re looking for it. And when that doesn’t work, it feels like I can just drop it all in someone else’s lap. AND I pray about everything! I pray I can be strong, I pray my kids will be happy, I pray for patience, I pray for forgiveness when I lose my patience, I pray the car will last one more year, I pray I do well in school, I pray my kids do well in school, I pray my parents never get old, I pray for my brother and his family, I pray for a better job, I pray for opportunities, I pray my boys will GET how much I love them, I pray we’ll all return home safe tonight, I pray for no more strep throat!! I pray the people who bought our house are good to my neighbors, I pray my boys make good friends, I pray we’ll sleep well tonight, I pray I can always fit into my red pants, but mostly, I pray for happiness…and I pray I can teach my boys how to be happy.

Elder David A. Bednar said, “Every sincere prayer is heard and answered by our Heavenly Father, but the answers we receive may not be what we expect or come to us when we want or in the way we anticipate…
Prayer is a privilege and the soul’s sincere desire. We can move beyond routine and ‘checklist’ prayers and engage in meaningful prayer as we appropriately ask in faith and act, as we patiently persevere through the trial of our faith, and as we humbly acknowledge and accept ‘not my will, but Thine be done.’ (Bednar)

My prayers certainly weren’t answered the way I hoped. But I know they have been answered. I have been protected and watched over. I have been promised incredible blessings and I know that Heavenly Father knows, better than I, what is best for me. My faith, hope and testimony have been strengthened through prayer. If we can learn to pray with gratitude and a humble heart and always be willing to accept God’s will, heaven will be opened to us.

Testimony

“A testimony comes through the Holy Ghost; it makes a deep and lasting impression on the soul.” (Hales)
-Robert D. Hales

From my journal – June 5th 2011
I just prayed for over an hour. I thanked my Heavenly Father over and over for my blessings. They are great and I was overcome. The strongest spirit I’ve ever felt confirmed the truth of the gospel, the prophets, the importance of teaching my children spiritual matters and gratitude. I felt peace, hope and direction.

One of the greatest blessings I have received throughout this miserable experience has been a strengthened testimony. Like I said in the beginning of this book, I always thought my testimony was strong, until it was really tested. It failed me during a few of my trials and I found that trying to move forward with a weak testimony was a horrible experience. When a soul is already struggling from trials and the spirit withdraws because of a lack of faith, it is almost unbearable. I now know how important it is to always have the spirit with me and to do what it takes to continue strengthening my testimony. I have a testimony of the power of faith and what can be accomplished if we just believe in Him. I know that in my weakest hours, when I prayed to the Lord to help me find faith, He was there, and as I kept the commandments and followed the counsel of our prophets my faith was strengthened. I believe in personal revelation and that our Heavenly Father desperately wants to guide us, as we want to guide our own children, if we will just listen to his specific counsel. I believe the records of our forefathers and our own personal journals are a powerful tool for remembering and realizing our blessings sent by our loving Heavenly Father. I know if we keep track of our spiritual experiences they will bless us with strength when we are weak and help us remember, when we cannot, the things the spirit has confirmed to us. I believe in hope and the power it brings. Without it, we cannot have faith. “Hope is a good thing-maybe the best thing.” I have a testimony of tithing and the blessings it brings. I know my family has been protected and blessed because of paying tithing. It is a privilege and an honor to give back when he has given me so much. I know that Heavenly Father hears our prayers. I have knelt in many a darkened corner and plead for mercy and strength and understanding. I have been comforted through desperate times, and I have been blessed. I know He’s listening.

What we want is for that perfect brightness of hope to develop into a perfect knowledge, a testimony of the savior and our Heavenly father. And to me, that perfect knowledge is that we don’t have a shadow of a doubt. You’ve heard testimonies in fast meeting. Some say, “I believe”; others say, “I know.” To know is to have an assurance, without a shadow of a doubt, that something is true. (Wirthlin)
-Joseph B. Wirthlin

So, this is what I learned from my experience. This is what I’m taking away. No matter what…have faith. Rely on the Lord and trust in your revelation from Him. Keep a record of your experiences and always make time to write them down before you forget them. Do not fear! No good comes from it. “Hope is a good thing-maybe the best thing. And no good thing ever dies”. You will be blessed and protected if you just pay your tithing. Pray always. Heavenly Father is mindful of us and He wants us to turn to Him. Be diligent; He will answer.

If God be for us, who can be against us?
Romans 8:31

Fear

“Fear not, for I am with thee.”
Genesis 26:24

Shortly after my boys and I moved in with my folks I started a blog. I wanted a place I could put my thoughts down in a constructive way that would help others going through similar things. The following are excerpts from some of my entries.
Diary of the Fearful – April 29th 2011
I stumbled upon this quote by Wendell Phillips, “What is defeat? Nothing but education, nothing but the first step toward something better.” These words were a comfort to me. I realized I am taking the first step toward something better. But I still feel like something is standing in my way. What stands between me and true joy, happiness, love, whatever you want to call it? It hit me like a wrecking ball as I was standing in the kitchen rinsing out hot chocolate mugs. FEAR. Fear is what is standing between me and my happy.
From my blog
Fear is a Question – April 30th 2011
“Fear is a question. What are you afraid of and why? Our fears are a treasure house of self-knowledge if we explore them.” -Marilyn Ferguson
We’ve established the fact that fears are what stand between me and what I really want. What do I really want? What does anybody really want? We want to be happy. Rich or poor, success or so-called failure, single or in a relationship, we all just want happiness…
So, what am I afraid of? Good grief, where do I start? I’ve given this a lot of thought and I’ve come up with my three biggest fears. Here they are, in no particular order.
1. I’m afraid of being lied to (My 14 year marriage ended after years of deceit).
2. I’m afraid of having my heart broken again.
3. I’m afraid of failure (I’m 35 and am starting my life from scratch. I’m single, I’ve lost everything, I’m back in school, and I’m living with my parents. The day before I went back to college I put on my backpack and asked my boys how I looked. My son said, “Hey Mom! It’s like you’re a kid again! You’re going to school and you live with your mom and dad!” Death would have been easier than that moment).
So, those are my three biggies. There you have it. Fear is standing in the way of my truth, love and success. Now what?

Most of us know what it means to be afraid. Everyone has faced difficulties, some of us more than others. Sometimes going through something horrible can lead us to be fearful. In the world today there seems to be a lot of uncertainty. We face losing jobs, losing homes, losing love and countless other things that can lead us to lose our confidence and faith. I believe fear is one of the most destructive forces on earth. It robs us of joy and possibilities and fills us with doubt. If we let ourselves get stuck in fear we cannot move forward. It’s hard, I know. I have let my fear get the best of me on many occasions, but I know as I’ve studied the scriptures and the words of the prophets, as I’ve prayed and followed the commandments, my fear has diminished. Once you let go of your fear, you can begin to see possibilities and you open yourself up to more revelation. If we are following the savior, there is no need to fear.
Part of the reason it took me so long to listen to the promptings of the spirit regarding my divorce was because I was afraid of what it meant. I knew if I got a divorce it meant less time with my kids, going back to school, more work hours, living with my parents, being lonely, and a loss of independence. I did not want any of these things, but my faith has become more than it ever could have been had I not gone through this period in my life. I know that isn’t comforting to those in the middle of their trials. You want a solution now. Put your trust in Heavenly father and have faith that He wants you to be happy and He will guide you down the right path.
From my blog
Faith – May 21st 2011
Do you want to know what the answer to eliminating fear is? It sounds so simple, but it’s not. The answer is faith. Faith is what you need. You have to believe that everything will work out. You have to trust (not an easy task for those of us who have been messed with). My fear comes from not wanting to be hurt again. So I’ve tried to protect myself by second- guessing all things…“Maybe I can outwit life.” The problem with that is…it hasn’t brought me much happiness. Letting go is really hard, but how can I ever expect to be happy again if I just hang on to my fear. Maybe I’ll get hurt again, but I refuse to become a crazy cat lady. I will not give up on anyone, especially me. I believe with everything I am that things are going to work out (hopefully sooner than later).

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” (Klein)
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you…Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
John 14:27

HOPE

“Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.” (Klein)
-Jean Kerr

From my blog
Hello World – March 7th 2010
My life is a do-over. That is what I tell myself. That’s the positive spin on my life. The negative spin is that I’m a 33 year old mother of three boys, soon to be a single mother of three boys. I have no career, have currently gone back to school, work 30 hours, and had to sell my house and move back in with my parents. Yeah, you have to laugh to keep from crying. But I choose to believe in the positive. I have to.

As I flipped through my journals I found the word “hope” hundreds of times. Hope is what keeps us moving forward. It is why we make plans. All of our dreams for our family and our future are wrapped up in hope. I cannot imagine what a dreary world it would be if we did not possess the ability to hope for greater things. Steven King (yes, you read that right) once wrote, “Hope is a good thing – maybe the best thing, and no good thing ever dies.” (Klein)
When asked if hope was a requirement for having a strong testimony, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said this, “Yes, I think that hope comes first. It is also necessary for us to hope before we pray. We hope, we ponder, then we pray. I think that in the heart of Joseph Smith as a young boy, he hoped for an answer to his prayer. His experience in the Sacred Grove laid the very foundation of our church. And the beginning of it all was Joseph’s hope and faith.” (Wirthlin)

At the end of my marriage and after my divorce, I had some severe moments of despair. I actually remember thinking one night; “I’d be okay with being done with my turn on this earth.” It was a dark time for me that I don’t enjoy looking back on, but I was able to continue pressing forward because of my beautiful children and because I clung to the hope that something better was coming. “Hope is a good thing – maybe the best thing…”

Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the father: Ye shall have eternal life.
2 Nephi 31:20

“I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart. Now, behold, this is the spirit of revelation.”
D&C 8:2-3
I am so grateful for personal revelation and the gift of the Holy Ghost. I’ve been fortunate enough to have had some very strong moments in my life. I think that’s probably due to the fact that I am very stubborn and have to be hit over the head sometimes before I will pay attention. When I was praying for guidance to know what I should do at the end of my marriage, I kept having the feeling that things were not going to get better and I would need to get a divorce. I have always believed that divorce is not the answer to marital problems and that two people, if willing, can work through anything. I still believe that, but because of those beliefs, I had a very hard time trusting my promptings were real. I thought I must have been going about things the wrong way because there was no way the spirit would lead me in this direction. Because I wasn’t listening, I was literally forced to do something, and the experience was terribly painful. I have since wondered how much easier things might have been if I’d have just listened to that very first prompting to sell my house.
I’m not telling this story so every person who’s unhappy in their relationship can start praying for a divorce. Neither do I want you to liken your experience to mine and use that as a reason for divorce. I’m telling this story so you understand you need to sincerely ask and listen when the Holy Ghost speaks to YOU. It may not make sense at the time, but the Lord wants us to be safe and happy and He will direct us in ways we may not comprehend. Learn to listen. You have the right to receive revelation specifically for you from God. The prophet Brigham Young said, “It is your privilege and duty to live so that you know when the word of the Lord is spoken to you and when the mind of the Lord is revealed to you.” (Young) Personal revelation is one of the greatest gifts we have from God. Seek it.
“Promised personal revelation comes when we ask for it, prepare for it, and go forward in faith, trusting that it will be poured out upon us.” (beck)
-Julie B. Beck

“And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.”
Moroni 10:5

Journal

The Book of Mormon is, in essence, a journal passed down through generations. Is it any wonder we’ve been asked to keep journals? They are our records. They help us remember and reflect on our own lessons and experiences. When my mother was having difficulty with my divorce, she kept questioning my decision. I read a few of my journal entries to her. After that, she was able to understand the difficulty of the situation and she was more comfortable with my decision. When you’re going through hard times, wonderful times, any time, write about it. I’ve made it a habit to write down all of my spiritual realizations and experiences. It has been such a blessing to be able to go back and remember what I was thinking and feeling at certain times in my life.
From my journal – April 4th 2011
The reason we keep journals is to help us remember. Just like the scriptures, we can hang onto them for guidance. My most powerful spiritual moments would be gone and forgotten if I did not write them down.

After my divorce, I was afraid I might never find my eternal companion. It really troubled me and I prayed constantly for comfort. One night I was in the bathtub (the only place a mom can have privacy – and sometimes not even there). I was crying and praying for peace and direction. As a prayed I felt a powerful voice from within me say, “Do not doubt, I have promised you these things.” At the same time I heard those words, in my mind I saw my future family. It was so powerful I instantly stopped crying and felt a joy wash over me. I’d had a similar experience at the end of 2009, but I had started doubting my capacity to feel and understand the spirit. The spirit re-confirmed to me that my experience was real and told me not to doubt. I knew Heavenly Father was looking after me.

From my journal December 7th 2009
I prayed this morning for guidance. At first I felt I wasn’t getting any direction, but after I closed my prayer and thought for a moment, I had the most wonderful, warm feeling come over me and the images of what is to be flooded my mind. I was standing across from a man and holding the hand of a little blonde girl while a bunch of kids ran around in the opposite corner of a yard. It was incredible and inspiring. I know the Lord has a plan for me and it will be happy and beautiful.
From my journal April 21st 2011
I’m by myself tonight. My boys are at Jared’s and my folks are out of town. I drove to the Bountiful Temple and watched the sun go down while I talked to my friend Tammi. I came home and was struggling to feel the spirit again – letting my doubts and fears get in the way. I got in the bath and prayed to my Heavenly Father. As I prayed for help the thought clearly came into my mind, “DO NOT DOUBT! I HAVE PROMISED YOU THESE THINGS.” I saw myself with my future family. I knew it! I felt it! I heard it!! It calmed me down instantly. I am so grateful for that moment.

If we pay attention, we’ll become aware that the spirit touches our lives daily. If we are good about recording how and when we are blessed, when difficult times arrive, we can look back and feel comforted.
The Journal of Wilford Woodruf, September 6th, 1856
If the power and blessings of God are made manifest in your preservation from danger, …you should make a record of it. Keep an account of the dealings of God with you daily. I have written all the blessing I have received, and I would not take gold for them.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths.”
Proverbs 3:5-6

Faith is a difficult principal. I always thought I was a faith-filled person, until my faith was really tried. It is not easy to look your greatest fears in the face and just believe that everything will be alright. I admit it has been a wretched struggle. But I have learned, and continue to learn, that I am blessed because of my faith. It does not always come easily for me, but I know if I ask for it and work for it, my faith is made stronger.
One day I was in a Deseret Book Store with my youngest son. At the time, I’d recently had some very strong promptings from the Holy Ghost regarding my future and my family. For a week I was on a high. I knew the spirit was guiding me, but as time passed and I got further away from that moment it became harder for me to remember how intensely I felt the spirit. I found myself fighting for my faith again. While I looked at artwork hanging on the walls of the Deseret Book Store, my youngest came over with a book he wanted me to read to him. It was a children’s Book of Mormon Stories book. We sat down and I opened the first page.
“The Lord told Nephi to go and get the Brass Plates. Nephi had faith and was obedient, and Heavenly Father helped him get the plates.” (Bagley)
As I read those two simple sentences a warm feeling filled my heart. I remember thinking, “It’s such a good thing I am not Nephi. When the Lord told me to cut off Laban’s head I would’ve sat there wondering if it was the spirit talking or just me.” But, I could not deny the experiences I’d had. After praying and reading and studying and asking, my faith was made stronger. It didn’t happen right away. I think sometimes we have to prove ourselves before the Lord will help strengthen us. We need to do everything we can to have unwavering faith. I started reading my scriptures daily and reading with my children. I kept a prayer in my heart always, and I started pouring over the Ensign and my kid’s New Era and Friend magazines. I’d never been very consistent with Family Home evening, but I started planning it every week. As I continued to do these things, I saw changes in me and my boys. In March of 2009 President Thomas S. Monson said in his first presidency message…

“It was by faith, nothing wavering, that the brother of Jared saw the finger of God touch the stones in response to his plea.”
“It was by faith, nothing wavering, that Noah erected an ark in obedience to the command from God.”
“It was by faith, nothing wavering, that Abraham was willing to offer up his beloved son Isaac as a sacrifice.”
“It was by faith, nothing wavering, that Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt and through the Red Sea.”
“It was by faith, nothing wavering, that Joshua and his followers brought the walls of Jericho tumbling down.”
“It was by faith, nothing wavering, that Joseph saw God our Eternal Father and Jesus Christ, His Son.”
“Times have not really changed. Prayer continues to provide power-spiritual power. Prayer continues to provide peace-spiritual peace.” (Monson)
We too can accomplish miracles if we have unwavering faith. My faith has been tried and tried again over the past few years. It wasn’t always easy to keep the faith, but I am still here. I am still growing and learning and my faith has gotten so much stronger than I ever thought possible. When our house was on the market and I knew we would lose it if it didn’t sell soon, I distinctly remember thinking, “The Lord will provide.” I wasn’t scared or concerned; I just knew it would be alright. Our house was on the market for only four weeks before it sold, just in the nick of time. That was one of the few times in my life I have had perfect faith. In his 2010 conference talk, The Transforming Power of Faith and Character, Elder Richard G. Scott said, “Every time you try your faith – that is, act in worthiness on an impression – you will receive the confirming evidence of the Spirit. As you walk to the boundary of your understanding into the twilight of uncertainty, exercising faith, you will be led to find solutions you would not obtain otherwise.” (Scott)
Take a deep breath and relax. The Lord knows what’s best for us and if we exercise our faith in Him, He will not lead us astray.

October 2009

My parents were out of town when the boys and I moved our things into their basement. They had helped move quite a few things before they left to go see my brother, but we still had some things like bedding and clothes to move in. I was exhausted. Most of the elder’s quorum had showed up to help and it was a major ordeal. We moved everything into two storage units. I remember lying in bed that night and thinking, “I forgot how it feels to climb into bed and feel safe.” I realized I had been missing the spirit from my life and my home. Oh, how I missed it. My parent’s home was a place of refuge for me. I no longer felt fear every time the phone rang or someone knocked on the door. The house was gone and with that came so much peace. I was able to pay off quite a few bills with the small amount of money we received from our house, but I had to pay for Jared’s medical care. It seemed every day there was a new bill. I called their billing department and talked to them about our hardships and asked if there was anything we could work out. They were able to help out with a few of the bills which was a great relief to me. I was amazed that, with everything going on, I was able to feel as much peace as I did. One day, while I was in the back room at work, a co-worker approached me and said, “I don’t know what it is, but there is something about you that I’m drawn to lately.” I made some smart remark about my “magnetism” but I knew what she meant. I was surrounded by angels. I could feel them watching over me. I knew, without Heavenly help, I may have made some terrible choices during those hard times. I took comfort in knowing I was being looked after.

December 2009

After 3 months of intense chemotherapy Jared was told he was in remission. It was a relief, but I knew it meant we would now have to face a lot of tough decisions. Jared wanted everything to go back to the way it was, but every time I considered the possibility of going back I felt sick. I told him if he wanted to move forward he would have to come clean and tell me everything. He told me I was living in the past and we should just move on from there. He refused to tell me what had actually happened. I told him I couldn’t trust him until he was willing to tell me the whole truth. So here’s how that worked out. I still don’t know what really happened to the cars. I don’t know what happened to all the lost house payments. I don’t know how he paid for his trip to Chicago or why he went (because we know it wasn’t a business trip). I don’t know where he gambled or how much he actually lost. I don’t know the “friend” he worked for or how long he worked for him. I don’t know if he ever actually worked for a power company. I don’t know if the “Western Union Fiasco” ever actually happened. I don’t know if he ever finished his addiction recovery classes. I don’t know how much money he actually borrowed from our family and friends. I don’t know the truth about anything that happened in the last four years of our marriage.
I decided I needed to go back to school. I didn’t want to spend another minute of my life feeling the desperation I had felt the last few years, but the thought was so overwhelming to me that I nearly had a seizure every time I got online to check it out. Luckily, I had a good friend attending Weber State who offered to show me around. Without a friend to help show me the way I’d have never made it back that first semester. I was 34 years old and I hadn’t been a student for 14 years. It took forever to get everything in order. I had to transfer credits from the Junior College I had attended fourteen years earlier, which was no easy task. I applied for and received financial aid. Two weeks before the spring 2010 semester started I was finally able to register for my classes. Jared was angry with me for registering for school. I think he was afraid of what my going back to school meant. I was scared too.

The Year 2010

Every night I would get the boys in bed and I would plead with my Heavenly Father for answers and direction. Night after night I would read my scriptures and then I would kneel down and pray. One night I was on the floor next to my bed. I was sobbing and asking what I should do. I could not make this decision on my own. Once again, I heard a voice from inside me. “I cannot tell you what to do, but you can still be happy after divorce.” I remember thinking, “I can’t make this decision on my own. You have to tell me what to do.” I felt no comfort until I sat for a minute and thought about the rest of the message I’d heard. “You can still be happy after divorce.” I knew I wasn’t happy, and I knew I could not be happy if I was the only one willing to try. I made the decision to get a divorce and prayed again like I’ve never prayed before. I felt extremely calm about the decision I had made. I suddenly had peace. It still wasn’t easy going through with it. Jared was hurt and angry, and he dealt with his feelings by blaming me for everything. He would yell at me and tell me that I wasn’t forgiving enough and the divorce was my fault. The more he raged and yelled, the more desperate I was to get away. People kept asking if I was making the right decision. I knew I was, and this time I wouldn’t let anyone influence what I knew was right for me.
The process of going through a divorce is a wretched one. Aside from the broken hearts and bruised egos, the ripping in two of a life shared is excruciating. Sitting around dividing up photographs and C.D’s, cookware and camping gear, you can’t help but feel as though you’re losing half of your life. I’m not even going to mention the agony you go through worrying about what this is going to do to your kids. But, when all is said and done, if you’ve paid attention, you may have found you’ve learned a few things.